Since when did it become okay to use the word "literally" as a way of emphasizing the figurative language you are about to use? Regardless of whether you're making a good comparison, when you say that "she is literally a whore," I expect she gets paid. Had you left literally out, she's probably one of my good friends.
KATIE COURIC: Were you funny as a kid?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Well, as a child, I didn’t necessarily know if I was funny or not. I sure thought I was, and my family was really funny, so together nobody really stood out as being particularly funny because we all just kind of got a kick out of each other. And I got in trouble in school a lot, so whatever I thought was funny wasn’t being interpreted that way at school. And that’s when I was like, Wow, maybe I’m just really annoying.
KATIE COURIC: I’m the same way. You were once quoted saying, “I’m kind of a guy, but I like the crusade of a girl.” What did you mean by that?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I’m not a typical girl in the sense that I’m dying to get married or dying to procreate. I don’t really have those desires. I respect them, but I do feel like more of a guy in that way. And I don’t like to be tied down to one person. I don’t like long-term commitments. But I like the “crusade of a girl,” because I like what it says about women. I like to be able to do things my way and create a new path for myself that’s not based on what anybody else did before me.
KATIE COURIC: And to be a role breaker?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yeah, and break roles, and not take life so seriously and not have everything be so dramatic. Somebody can get you down or you can fall down, but you gotta pick yourself up and you gotta laugh about it, and you just gotta keep going because it’s not that serious. And I think the people in your life are the people that—when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that’s really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn’t have to be children. It doesn’t have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
KATIE COURIC: Your humor can be pretty out there. Do you self-edit?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I’m pretty clear about what I’m willing to say and the lengths I’m willing to go, and I think it’s important to be politically incorrect. You don’t want to be nasty, and you don’t want to be malicious. But it’s OK—I mean, funny trumps everything in my mind.
I hate gouache paint. No matter how I use this media, it never seems to work for me in the way I originally aimed for. OK, I admit it-- this is not entirely true; I did use in on a printmaking monotype project where it worked quite well. However, I'm currently using it in one of my books and I now remember how annoying it was when I first used the aforementioned media. I honestly don't know why I hate it so much, but it just never seems to go well for me; no matter what I do, I can't seem to get a high quality image out of gouache comparable to those that I get out of acrylics or watercolor/ink. I know, I know-- they're completely different animals. Still, I find myself constantly frustrated by gouache, yet forced to use it in my books because instead of sticking as acrylics do, its chalky surface allows for higher craft perfection when painted between pages. So... that being said, my new life goal is to create a chalky paint that goes on as evenly and easily as acrylics and friends do. (My other long term goal? Waterproof sidewalk chalk. As I currently reside in Oregon, this type of chalk is necessary to practice for my life goal of competing in the world hopscotch championships.)
#2: WINE
I just kinda like wine. That's all I have to say about that.
#3: MUSTACHE TATTOOS
A few months ago, I told my friend Shae I absolutely had to have a mustache tattooed on the inside of my right index finger. I designed the mustache, and she tattooed it on me using a sewing needle and India ink. Lately, I've seriously missed whipping out my "mustache" ironically during class discussions. It just doesn't feel the same when I show it off on the street or at the bar; I enjoy making people laugh, and they seemed to laugh the hardest when I placed it on my face during a serious critique or discussion during class time.
#4: AYN RAND
I'm not entirely certain why I chose to include Ayn Rand in this particular post, but I should probably mention that Ayn Rand is one of my favorite (if not my all-time favorite) authors who has ever penned a novel. Having personally read all of her novels as well as the majority of her philosophy as well as the entirety of her journals and letters, I do not find her to be the negative "capitalist" she's been painted to be as of late. Don't worry, I'm working on a book about this so my thoughts will be available to the public in the near future.
#5: THE OXFORD COMMA
Who gives a fuck about the Oxford comma? I mean... who even knows what an Oxford comma is? Okay, obviously I do. But for my own personal satisfaction, I will not divulge this information to you. SECRET SOCIETY!
Look it up.
(BUT HINT: the title of this post perfectly exemplifies the Oxford comma. Despite my propensity for fondness toward this grammatical mystery, I am still debating how I truly feel about it.)
If you've confirmed a rumor to be true, let's stop calling it a rumor and call it what it really is:
FACTS you never wanted ANYONE to know.
&
Earlier, someone asked me if I had an extra cigarette. I gave him one and he replied, "Thanks, you're a lifesaver." Don't be so grateful. I'm positive in this situation I'm the exact opposite.
Also: there's no such thing as an EXTRA cigarette.
Can somebody please notify the New York Times crossword people and let them know that Monday and Tuesday aren't the new Saturday and Sunday? I used to enjoy feeling intelligent twice a week.
