you can't always get what you want

but if you try sometimes, you just might find
you get what you need.

it's not really a generation at all.

jk: it's not really a generation at all.
mw: it's a type of person?
jk: yeah. it starts with rock 'n' roll teenagers and runs up to sixty-year-old junkies, old characters in the street... it really began in 1910.
mw: well, what links the junkie and the eleven-year-old and jack kerouac? what is it to be Beat?
jk: well, it's a hipness. it's twentieth-century hipness.
mw: hip to what?
jk: to life.
mw: what kind of life are they hip to?
jk: ...to religoon.
mw: what kind of religion?
jk: oh, it's weird. visions. visions of God.
mw: you mean Beat people are mystics?
jk: yeah. it's a revival prophesied by Spengler. he said that in the late moments of Western civilization there would be a great revival of religion mysticism. it's happening.
mw: what sort of mysticism is it? what do Beat mystics believe?
jk: oh, they believe in love. they love children... and, i don't know, it's so strange to talk about all this... they love children, they love women, they love animals, they love everything.
mw: they love everything? then why is there so much violence? why do they drive, drive, drive? why do they go, go, go? why the rush?
jk: oh, that's just lyricism. wild motorcycle rides under the moonlight... a lyrical thing. it's not so unusual.
mw: why is jazz so important to this new mystique?
jk: that's the music of Beat Generation.
mw: what's mystical about it?
jk: jazz is very complicated. it's just as complicated as Bach. the chords, the structures, the harmony, and everything. and then it has a tremendous beat. you know, tremendous drummers. they can drive it. it has just a tremendous drive. it can drive you right out of yourself.
mw: how about dope?
jk: same thing. you can escape. you can have visions with dope.
mw: have you ever taken dope yourself?
jk: sure. a lot. but i have never got in the habit because i'm allergic to it.
mw: have you had visions with it?
jk: i'll say.
mw: do you remember any clearly?
jk: i fainted. i passed out, fell flat on my back in grass. during that time, i saw Paradise. i saw- well, i wasn't there any more. there was only one thing... there was a great golden light, and i wasn't there... but it was like, i suppose, God... but it was blissful, because i didn't have to worry about being myself any more. that was all over with.
mw: sounds like a self-destructive way to seek God.
jk: oh, it was tremendous. i woke up sick about the fact that i had to come back to myself, to the flesh of life...
mw: you mean that the Beat people want to lose themselves?
jk: yeah. you know, Jesus said to see the Kingdom of Heaven you must lose yourself... something like that.
mw: then the Beat Generation loves death?
jk: yeah. they're not afraid of death.
mw: aren't you afraid?
jk: naw... what i believe is that nothing is happening.
mw: what do you mean?
jk: well, you're not sitting here. that's what you think. actually, we are great empty space. i could walk right through you... you know what i mean, we're made out of atoms, electrons. we're actually empty. we're an empty vision... in one mind.
mw: in what mind- the mind of God?
jk: that's the name we give it. we can give it any name. we can call it tangerine... god... tangerine... but i do know we are empty phantoms, sitting here thinking we are human beings and worrying about civilization. we're just empty phantoms. and yet all is well.
mw: all is well?
jk: yeah. we're all in Heaven, now, really.
mw: you don't sound happy.
jk: oh, i'm tremendously sad. i'm in great despair.
mw: why?
jk: it's a great heavy burden to be alive. a heavy burden, a great big heavy burden. i wish i were safe in Heaven, dead.
mw: but you are in Heaven, Jack. you just said we all were.
jk: yeah. if i only knew it. if i could only hold on to what i know.

[jack kerouac interviewed by mike wallace, printed in the new york post january 21, 1958]

je ne veux pas travailler

je ne veux pas dejeuner
je veux seulement l'oublier
et puis, je fume


currently on my iPod:
+ back in your head -- tegan & sara
+ dashboard -- modest mouse
+ our life is not a movie or maybe -- okkerveil river
+ sympathique -- pink martini
+ nature of the experiment -- tokyo police club
+ true affection -- the blow
+ silver lining -- rilo kiley
+ people have a way -- matt pond pa
+ got love to kill -- juliette & the licks
+ true romance -- she wants revenge
+ public service announcement -- the bravery
+ suicide blonde -- inxs
+ tonight i have to leave it -- should out louds
+ tears dry on their own -- amy winehouse
+ dear catastrophe waitress -- belle & sebastian
+ in view -- the tragically hip
+ starlight -- muse
+ paint it black -- the rolling stones
+ number 1 -- goldfrapp
+ devil's haircut -- beck
+ chelsea dagger -- the fratellis
+ read my mind -- the killers
+ the skin of my yellow country teeth -- clap your hands say yeah
+ hold on -- kt tunstall
+ blister in the sun -- the violent femmes


some of my fave songs for fall [some new, mostly old]:
+ hopeless -- the wrens
+ the crane wife 3 - the decemberists
+ fool -- cat power
+ #41 -- dave matthews band
+ dreams -- the cranberries
+ fake plastic trees -- radiohead
+ wonderwall -- oasis
+ mr tambourine man -- bob dylan
+ cautioners -- jimmy eat world
+ photobooth -- death cab for cutie
+ colorblind -- counting crows
+ a lifetime -- better than ezra
+ konstantine -- something corporate
+ let it be -- the beatles
+ nightswimming -- r.e.m.
+ a sorta fairytale -- tori amos
+ swans -- unkle bob
+ slow motion -- third eye blind
+ last goodbye -- jeff buckley
+ paperbag -- fiona apple
+ tiny dancer -- elton john
+ faded from the winter -- iron & wine
+ cartwheels -- the reindeer section
+ wild horses -- the rolling stones
+ who will save your soul -- jewel

all in the mind.

I think people should only ask, "How are you?" when they really mean it. The depths of the ocean and the vastness of the universe fascinate me. I often wonder if there is a difference between being independent and being alone. I am always looking for something, though I'm not quite sure I know what it is yet.


"What difference does it make after all?--anonymity in the world of men is better than fame in heaven, for what's heaven? What's earth? All in the mind." -- Kerouac